I feel that the month of October has been, so far, the worst month throughout my stay in the UK.
A series of unfortunate events that keep coming through my life, draining me off mentally and physically.
Laptop broke down. It's okay, bring it to a computer shop to fix it but was told the latest appointment will be a week. It's okay, I will wait and be patient. Without laptop, I can't really do much with my ongoing studies and it felt kinda annoying and inconvenient.
Then, I felt sick. Severe eyes infection. Then, a mild fever and flu hit me together. It's okay. Just go to a walk-in clinic.. but was told to go away and get some temporary relief at a nearest pharmacy. I tell myself, it's okay and be patient.
Then, I had a confrontation with my roommate. Anger words were thrown at each other. Cold war. It's not a fault game to play. Perhaps it was just a personality and lifestyle conflict. It's okay, I tell myself. I opt out and decided to find another place to stay.
A week later, I felt extremely sick. Both of my eyes are getting more painful and my vision was temporarily impaired. Things were not getting any better. I cannot even get up from my bed. But I still forced myself and went to a hospital this time.
I sat down, waiting in queue for my name to be called. Within that 3 hours of waiting, I cried.
I cried hard. I cried not because I am weak. I cried because I want to stop everything I am doing now and go back home. I cried because I miss everything back in home. I am cried because I am sick. I cried I am lonely now but I still refused for other's help.
I cried because I doubt myself for choosing to study a demanding vocational barrister course whereby I can opt to study back in my hometown country. I cried because studies have been causing me stress and I am avoiding the fact that I am depressed.
I cried because all the decisions that I had made is wrong since the beginning. I cried because I cannot stand it anymore. I cried because I keep telling lies to myself that things will be okay and that I will be okay.
I was given antibiotics for my eyes and I went back home, continued my research to find a place to stay. I felt worry at the same time as I had already missed a week of class. My friends offered to help me and I suddenly felt a bit relieved that I had them by my side. It's okay, Nick. It's okay, I tell myself.
Finally found a place to stay at Queensway. But the price is high. I felt so pressured as I am giving more financial burden to my family than I should now. Because I am desperate to find a place to stay. But it's okay, Nick. I just tell myself to work hard. Work harder. And work hardest, that is how I can pay back to my family.
I admit, I pressurise myself. maybe that is why i got sick. But at the end of day, you still have to put on a smile and pretend nothing had happened. Pretend that everything is normal whereby it is not okay at all deep inside.Everything is affecting you deeply.
Be strong, I tell myself. But how strong can a person be? How strong can one be to move heaven and earth?
It's okay Nick.
It's okay, I tell myself...
