Heartbeat

This is how my heart sounded when it was afraid.

I was afraid of becoming myself.

I was afraid I couldn't nurture.

I was afraid my ambition would end.

This is how my heart sounded when I was broken.

When I was heartbroken, and I felt like I couldn't continue anymore, and I kept all the weight locked inside.

But this is how my heart sounds when I am focused.

It is beating fast because I refuse to quit

Because I am strong.

Because I am myself... and more.

This is the sound of my heart.

It is soft and hardly whispers.

When I listen, I am not afraid anymore.

When I listen, I know that I choose my own destiny.

On Arrogance

"I've learnt to recognise a certain of arrogance that sets in naturally in the behaviours of those who have been hurt; almost brutalised by their past experiences. This arrogance is a mask; a mask to cover the mutilated image that the others, the world has the opportunity to see of the sufferer and his suffering. Once the sufferer has picked up the pieces and reconstituted himself, he looks back and cowers in shame in having barred himself, and display his nakedness for everyone who gathered to watch.

He knows now that everyone watched not out of concern, not out of empathy, but out of sheer curiosity and out of the need to feel better about themselves. He has finally seen the worst in mankind; and it is in bitterness that he resorts to a shelter and emerges later with a single thought; "I see through you, I know what you are all about and I can never again be your equal. Yet you, creatures of the lower realms, have been given the opportunity to see through me and know what I was all about."

Since he will never again see them as an equal and subservience is not an option, he is left with adopting a position of superiority."

- Extract from Semi-Apes

The first step to living the life you want is leaving behind the life you don't want. Letting go of the past is your first step towards happiness. You are here for a special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your present. Learn from your regrets, but do not punish yourself with them. Live beyond your scars and focus on building the life that you truly deserve. Let today be the first day of your new life. 

I was searching my old photo album (I cannot believe my blog still kept the history of photos I posted here which I had deleted) and I found a picture of my cousin back in 2006. P

He has been one of my favourite cousin. I remembered teaching him English spelling which he scored 100% in exams and he eagerly came back to inform me with the good news. I felt so proud of him that time. He was so innocent, so cute and so charming that I also learnt a lot of lessons from this kid.

I saw his singing choir videos when he was graduating from his kindergarten school. Then, I saw him entering into his first primary school and subsequently proceed to a top notch secondary school in the state.

He excelled in his study very well which I was quite admired of his characteristic and self-discipline. I knew he will develop into a fine young man in the future.

He is 18 years old now.

And my cousin is sick.

He is in urgent of kidney transplant. But there is no suitable kidney and thus he was put on waiting list. We all know that kidney failure patients will have to undergo dialysis few times a day and hence his mobility is limited.

I felt so useless for not able to help him - the most I can do is to cheer him up. But he had gotten more quieter compared to last time.

He doesn't talk much. He doesn't express his feelings to me anymore.

I felt quite useless as a brother and cousin to him.

I will always be there for you.

Be strong, my cousin.