Inside the lift

Supposedly I need to kick off my assignment now but the other side of me is not really functioning well today. Le sigh. So might as well just take some time off for me to do some blogging here.

I remembered I was attending a part time class for Tort Law late in the evening. The weather is cold and a bit humid and it had just rained. I was reluctant to go for lecture as I was lying comfortably on my bed, as if like the gravity is pulling down my body weight. Feel really lazy today. Checked my smartphone and it was already 4.14pm, ergh, 16 more mins to lecture time and I was still here, on my comfy bed. Immediately I changed, waited for the bus and managed to attend one of my favourite lecturer's class. I think she is my motivation to attend her class because she is so inspiring in person. Sometimes, she will tell us stories and advices as a law student and I really like her lecturing style. She is literally my mentor, if I can term it in this way I suppose. Oh, did I mention she did have a great sense in fashion too?

And so the lecture finished in a blink of eye. Grabbed my bag, feeling tired, went to to office to refill my water bottle. I seriously don't get it why the college or  the management team or whosoever cannot just install a water filter in my hostel. It will be so convenient, very convenient indeed.

I was waiting for the lift on the second floor and suddenly I heard a voice - a voice that is so similar that I had heard 30 mins ago... oh it was my Tort Law lecturer! She was on the phone actually. I stood still a while, trying to think what gestures I should give - should I greet her but wait, she was on the phone. It was rude to disrupt her in the middle of her conversation. Then, I smiled to her and nodded my head. So, the few seconds inside the lift with my lecturer was nothing - but pice of silence. Oh, I remembered I was having this kind of weird smile for I did not know why I was doing that.

Just when the door opened, she went out first followed by me. But wait, she stopped, turned around and waved to me. I did not expect she will do that because if it was for other lecturers, they just do not give a damn to any students. I smiled, nodded my head again and waved back to her. She was still on the phone by the way. Okay, for that little moment, I admit I did blush a bit because I feel so shy. But at the same time, I was so grateful and happy that she did turn around and smiled - she was so nice! Probably she still remembered me for I kept having appointments with her during my last study break for my Public Law essays.

You see, what I am trying to point out here is that... it is these kind of acts that really warm a person's heart. You do not to be out loud, dressed fabulously or do any crazy stuffs to attract people's attention - it is these kind of indirect gentle acts that will make others remember you so deeply. It is this kind of gestures that mesmerise people and thus allowing others to think that " oh wow, he/she has great personality!". It is this kind of politeness that makes others feel appreciated and validated, thus allowing they to think of you as a great person. I waited for the rain to end, grabbed my meal and walked back to my hostel.

A good day to remember.

Updates

My holidays have been a very great one and I am so lazy. =) Practically, I just charged up myself and slept a lot. Sadly, I cannot fix back my sleeping hours for the hectic exams messed up my biological hour. Nevertheless, I have been trying to fix them up and I will see.

My skin has been getting worse. I don't know what is the factors that caused my breakouts. I called it the post-exam disorder. Looking at what my final exams had done to me, I have took the initiative to at least recover my skin breakout... the stress, the hormones, the emotions or whatsoever just can't be stopped, I am really out of ideas now. So I will let it be, for now. Red skin, ugh.

Talking about school, yes, I am going back to college again tomorrow, which means my holidays are going to end soon, which means I have to leave home, which means I have to start reading thick books again, which means back to the normal 10-3 routine, which means I have to wake up early... and the list go on.

On the positive aspect, I am about to start a new phase of life - a new semester! I really hope I can bring in all the values and lessons that I had learnt in Year 1 and applied them in my year 2. There are no regrets for all the mistake I had done in the past. In fact, they shaped me into who I am today - it makes me stronger to handle stress and a larger capacity of challenges ahead. Nobody say life is easy. Nobody. You have so many opportunities and good Samaritans to help you but in the end it is all about you alone fighting for yourself in this world.

So for now, I should enjoy with my family especially my mom, she meant the whole world to me. She picked me up everytime when I fell down. She may not offered the best advices, but I know she is there when I need to her. Ah, now we are going down the emotions road lol. *wipes eyes* I am just not ready to go back yet but I have to - because I need to let myself grow, venture and to see what the world can offer me. I love my family, really.

I guess that is all for now.

Emotionally stressed

Exams will just start in three more days. I still feel like I have done less than what I should have been done now. Time is running so fast and everything happened so fast. I cannot keep up with it emotionally and physically.

I will just do whatever I can, for now.

My roommate

Today, we sent off our roommate , Roderick, to KL Sentral. Throughout the journey, my heart feels like sinking. Yes, I admit I do want to burst out but I manage to keep control of my emotions. Part of me is because I want to give a good farewell without tears to my room mate.

Sadly, the emotions just come too strong and hard to bear. Everyone cried. I know this farewell means a lot to everyone. We spent so much time living under one roof, it feels like each and everyone is bonded like family members. We hang out together, eat dinner together, complain together and do all sorts of crazy stuffs a normal college student will do. One good thing I can learn from him is that in life, we must know to work hard and play hard too. I have no experience in these kind of brother friendship before but I really feel it deep in my heart and it is so hard to let it go just like that.

I know after this farewell, it will be hard to meet up again and do the normal crazy stuffs like we used to do in the house. But memories will always stay forever in my heart. So a big shout out to my first ever room mate, I wish you nothing but all the best in your future undertakings.

I feel sad typing this as if like I still have not settle down my emotions. Part of it because I feel guilty for not spending much time with them during the last week. The image of us bidding farewell, wishing good luck and crying together is still vividly playing in my mind. Goodbye is always the saddest thing to say. But i believe goodbye will also bring the next hello closer.

Stuffs

Exams are coming, just around the corner. I feel a bit panic, a lot actually. I have done quite a lot of reading. In fact, that is the most amount of reading I have ever done in my life. Even I, myself, can't believe i have done that.

On the other note, my assignment marks are out. It was fairly okay. Average. But I know I can push myself beyond that level. So I am still not satisfied as I believe there are still room for improvements.

Sometimes I feel like I am still doubting myself whether I can do it or not. But I just want to thank God for sending me a companion, a study buddy to be exact, to fight along this war together. I trust my friend wholeheartedly as we support each other and encourage each other to go beyond our limit levels.  Yes, I can feel the grade A so near but yet so far away. I always ask myself... can I do it? Can I do it?

I feel tired sometimes but God always gives me energy whenever I am exhausted. He knows I am strong enough to go through this challenge and hence, He will definitely walk along with me and we put through this all together. We have gone through the assignment period together and not it is time for the final exams.

So far, my lecturers and tutors have been very dedicated in teaching me and pointing out my mistakes when I am passing up my essays or drafts. There is one thing that remain blur is that I am still... doubting whether did they fully read my essays? I mean not that I want to cast doubt but their speed of reading an essay is like less than 3 minutes! Did they pay attention to the judgement or comment I have made? Because I have really put my heart and soul in searching these stuffs.

Hoorr... I feel like crying. (T.T)

I want...

... put a few clothes in a suitcase and get away.

Stuck in time, captured in captivity, am out of breath.

I just want to go somewhere far away alone. I want to see and live the world. I want to feel fresh again. I want my passion for life back. Because I feel so lifeless now. A body without a passionate soul. I feel dead.

I just want to get away, right here, right now.

Efforts

Today is the first week of June. Today is Sunday, a bright day indeed. I should have done a lot of reading and noting by now. But sadly, I am not.

God knows why I am slacking and procrastinating here. I am not putting enough efforts. What am I waiting for? What am I preparing for? What am I doing now? I feel like a cloud drifting by, feel like a snail without a shell, surging my emotions with so much insecurity right now.

Updates

I have finally completed all four assignments! Thank you Lord for granting me so many blessings throughout this process. I know I can do better but please Lord, please give me good marks. Amen! =)

SO after all the lessons skipping and burning midnight oil in rushing the assignments, I really need to get myself back on track. I try not to skip any lectures amidst of doing assignments because I know time management is an important factor here. Somehow I did slack a bit but this whole 'assignment' thing, dreadful in a way, has given me more experience in handling time, pressure and personal issues. Thank you Lord for putting me in such a challenging test and You have given me a great lesson.

Went to MPH today and used the book vouchers to invest in something good. So here's a picture my haul. I am still wondering what should I do with my last RM 50 book voucher. Maybe I should invest it for a good bible - to celebrate the joy of finishing all the law assignments! 

 

Of emotions and trust issues

I think that one should learn how to control and guard his or her emotions and feelings well. Sometimes, it is crucial for one to remain calm and composed even at emergency times. I admire people with calmness in their minds because they give or spread out a sense of grace and charm that others don't have. They are also intelligent in a way that they can think before they speak or act.

Intelligent people are beautiful. They are strong and independent. They do not cling on others to achieve a certain goal or an aim because they already have, in mind, how to do it. They converse in a sense that they are able to portray maturity and reasonable points are made. Intelligent people, despite genders are, really beautiful. I am still training myself and wish to be that 'intelligent' person.

On the other side of coin, I also feel one should not easily pour out your emotions when no one out there will listen and appreciate your inner feelings. 

I am the type of person who am really guarded and don't easily trust a person. I feel that trust need to be earned by actions and words at the same time, not just a mere saying.

It might take years for me to get comfortable with someone and thus, I admit that I only have three friends that I can rely on in my life. Yes I am really closed up to myself who don't open up easily. 

Hence, people tend to get mistaken and assume that I am a cold type of person - the quiet and unpredictable. Well kind of I guess. I can, at times, be really open up to myself but I still place a certain limits on myself that certain stuffs should and should not be done at that time. 

I know I have many untold stories but slowly, they will unfold by themselves I believe, in faith.

I do not need many friends. I just need someone whom I can trust and talk with and to share my feelings. I need a friend whom I can sit with, feeling comfortable without awkwardness even when no words are spoken. It is hard to get such friend indeed. 

Gratitude

Dear Lord,
I have completed my third assignment. Almost near to my completion of all assignments - just one more to go.

Thank you for granting me your intelligence and wisdom amidst the time I was doing my assignment. I feel lost when attempting to answer the question but because of your blessing, at least I am able to understand and tackle it with my least understanding together with help from a few of my housemates.

Thank you for giving me peace and calmness in my heart as I do occasionally feel panic due to uncertainties when doing my assignment.

I may or may not do well but I have tried my best as a first year law student. I have done my research and studying and I pray that You will give me a satisfactory marks to lighten up the burden of scoring marks in my written paper final exam.

Thank you for I am able to pass up my assignment on time too.

I pray to you that I am able to finish my last assignment as soon as possible so that I am able to concentrate back to my studies. Please grant me more of your intelligence and also a good mindset so that I am able to write good essays with least errors in it.

Thank you for I am able to get in touch with some of my high school best friends too and able to share my feelings with them. I feel good after talking with them. I pray to God so that you will shower them with blessings and excel in their educations too.

I skipped my two hours lecture so that I can give time for myself to rest. I hope I did not miss a lot of thing and also I prayed I am able to get enough rest.

Lord, without you I am nothing. I hope You can hear my cry and my inner silence and please let me feel your presence around me. Please guide me and protect me all the time. Amen.

My tutors

I really quite admire my criminal law tutor. Okay, I admit the way she uses her words can be a bit pushy and on the first day I hardly able to interpret what she is trying to say. But slowly, I started to discover my criminal law tutor is of a very dedicated person and I started to like her way of teaching. Same goes to my contract tutor too, she's very charismatic that even boys feel a bit intimidated by her! I wish to be like her. *blushes*

Okay, so back to my crime tutor, she told us an hour and thirty minutes of tutorial won't enough to cover as many questions/topics as she wants. It's true. In fact, I admire her efforts of using her time in trying to give extra informations on arguments and training us into thinking out of the box when tackling an essay question - the creative way of exerting an argument. As a first year law student where every law concepts is still my first approach, I try to absorb anything that I can. My hand feel numb jotting down all the details given by her. It is a very fruitful tutor session.

On the other side of coin, I am kinda sad when she is trying to extend her teaching time but the class eventually tells her to stop and wanting to go back. To her dismay, she rushes her tutorials and dismisses the class in favour of some lazy asses. I can see she is quite disappointed too. I wish to sit there longer and learn more, do more and write more. Perhaps everyone is tired so that's why but the tutor is tired too!

Or maybe I am feeling too energetic today? Hmmm...

3rd month of reading law

Currently playing: 麥田捕手 - 白安

I feel like crying now. (T.T) Sometimes I think that reading law requires a deeper understanding than a normal person does. It requires an analytical thinking to distinguish the law concepts in a big chunk of cases. Then you have to be critical to find out any loopholes in the law. The bombastic words used in law texts, beautiful in a way I can say, is rather hard to understand.

Everytime I try to open my law textbook and read, I feel defeated. My level of English is no way matching up to the British English used in the books. I got to admit, despite my average level of english which I think is sufficient enough to read law, is not enough to digest a paragraph of law theories in the book. I have to re-read it for the third time then only my poor tiny little brain can process 50% of what the legal wordings are conveying about. Scared and panic? Hell yes I am now!

And I have finally received my assignments last week which means it is now the time to declare war. To add salt to the wound, I have to admit that I still did nothing after one week of drafting. I still do not understand the questions no matter how hard I try to understand them. I feel really defeated now. All I can do now is to keep praying to God for guidance.

I keep telling myself that it is a process of learning. Do not fear and be consistent in anything you do. Sometimes, I do have a second thought of giving up. Is it really the pathway that I want to go? Is this really what I have signed up for? What if I am doing arts now, would the consequences be like this too? There are so many thoughts playing in my mind telling and urging to withdraw instead of moving forward.

But I try to remind myself why I do it in the first place. I think that a good education can change one's life and we make a living out of it. Let's take it step by step. My progress might seem to be slower than others but I got to try and try and keep trying. Here is a note to myself.

• No procrastination because you have been doing it for the whole life and it is time to really change and quit the bad habit. 
• Try to cover up what you have learnt within the week and get the readings started! 
• Pay attention during class and don't day dream!
• Bold up and ask lecturers or tutors if you don't understand anything.
• Sleep early so that you can wake up early, feeling refreshed. 
• Make some notes as reference if necessary.
• Read up more sources outside the scope of lectures and notes.
• Take breaks within study hours to charge up yourself. 
• Call family often because at the end of the day, they are the one who support and care for you. 
• Mingle with friends because I want my college life to be exciting!
• No dating because I am not in the mood to be in a relationship. Gotta focus more on myself.
• Take more pictures and upload them here! 
• Be strong, move out from your comfort zone and be independent. 
• Attend church because I want God to stay with me always. 

Time is ticking fast, exams are drawing nearer and in a blink of eye you are going to graduate and enter into the society. Really, time and tide wait for no man. It is really the time to buckle up and move forward. It is the time to pick up the pieces, what is left behind let it be, and move on. Everyone can do it, and so do I. 

The Canteen Lady

Recently, there has been opened a mini canteen downstairs in my dorm. It was actually run by an Indian family who's staying in the other side of the room. And the canteen lady is a very generous person. She will definitely bid a warmth smile to every person who came near her or bought food from her.

As for today, at around 9.00 pm, I felt hungry and so I decided to visit her mini canteen to look for food. Her chicken curry rice is very tasty by the way. So when I got down, to my dismay, everything was sold out.  She quickly apologised to me but I kept saying "It's okay" and "Nevermind"because it was not her fault at all for the food was sold out.

And just as I was about to walked upstairs back to my room, she stopped me and went into her kitchen. A few minutes later, she walked out with a plate and a slice of cake on it. "Today's my daughter's birthday. Here, have them.", she said with her signature smile. My heart just felt so warmth by her act of kindness. I smiled and thanked her.

In this society, it's rather hard to see people who are genuinely kind from the heart within. Each and every person are masked with so many complicated intentions and motives that it is so hard to read a person's real thought. And there is no need to lash out hurtful words everytime we are upset. Sometimes, having a simple mind and a bit of act of kindness are enough to keep somebody overflow with happiness and feeling content. 

Should I borrow the words from Mother Theresa, " Always greet each other with a smile for smile is the beginning of love".  =)

Deeper observations

I remembered I was in KL Sentral alone, I notice people are so crowded and are so engrossed and busy into the stuffs they are doing. I do stop a while and take some time to observe them.

A man with a collared office attire is busy sorting out his files in his bag and then focuses his attention back onto his laptop screen, with graphs and charts on it. A mother wiping her daughter's cheeks, calming her down from crying whereby her husband stands alone watching them. A group of foreign tourists holding a map trying to figure out directions they want to go - seems so adventurous. A sweet English  couple on honeymoon I assume, are dining in a food outlet where the malay waitress is busy serving them. A group of students carrying their bags, probably heading back to their homes. The sound of the train and the people coming out from it - just like ants coming out from their nests ready to hunt for food.

Life can be so dramatic but tranquil and serene at the same time. It's rather inspiring to see people from all walks of life here living their dreams in this concrete jungle, the cradle of civilisation I may say. So I do stop and ponder a while, with a tiny surge of emotions with hope and fear, asking myself... what is my dream then? What is life? What am I doing here? Time passes fast unknowingly, I grabbed my Subway meal and decided to walk back to my hostel.

I think I still prefer such question remain unanswered.

First few days...

of orientation, dorm and college.

I felt rather lonely to be honest. Maybe I am the reserved type of person as I am still unable to break the silence within me. I feel fake and not sure whether I am on the right track in meeting new people, presenting myself in a new environment. I did try to talk but I know I am not the talkative type of person as I think I struggle to converse with people. I feel quiet and awkward. Is it normal? Or maybe I am thinking too much.

And, I think I miss home already.

Wise words, "I have learnt that..."

I have learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems to be, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.

I have learned that you can tell a lot about a person by he/she handle these three things: a rainy day, a lost luggage and tangles Christmas tree lights.

I have learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone from your life.

I have learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life'.

I have learned that life sometimes give you a second chance.

I have learnt that you should not go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I have learnt that whenever I decide with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I have learnt that even when I have pains, I do not have to be one.

I have learnt that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.

I have learnt that I still have a lot to learn.

I have learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

- Maya Angelou, poet and civil rights activist